EmptyIsAwesome

Crazy Ass Week

2010-05-14T14:04:00.001-07:00

There is a really big legal dispute over some of my Uncles and my Aunt and my dad and another uncle. So it's basically 4 of them against my dad and Uncle. It's all about money. My granddad was a doctor and he passed away in 2000 and my grandmother's condition is not looking so good. Basically, the others accused my dad and the good uncle that they were stealing money from my grandmother's bank account when they weren't. It was later discovered that the ones accusing them WERE THE ONES WITHDRAWING MONEY FROM HER ACCOUNT. Yeah, they are not to bright. So now there is another legal battle going and I'm not going to go further into it. Lets just say those 4 uncles and aunts HATE my dad and my other uncle.

Well, we went to pick my grandmother up to go out to eat. One of the other thief uncles was staying with her. One of them have to stay with her everyday because she can not be safe without supervision. So me and my dad walk in to tell get my grandmother up and ready to go out to eat. Well this certain uncle kept just kept saying things to me and my dad trying to piss us off.

I was ignoring it. I'm not a violent person unless I'm threatened. Well, then my uncle decided to say, "You know Josh, ever since you got raped when you was 12 you've just been a little bitch!" The second I heard those words I literally just lost it. I'm going to be honest, I don't care when people joke about it as crazy as that sounds. I don't care when people online make fun of me about it. But I do often have vivid nightmares about what happened and have had flashbacks. But when I heard my uncle say that I literally just ran up to him and just started swinging.

He tried to swing back but by the time he had a few punches on me I had him drop right on the floor with a punch right to the face. Now, when I've ever been in fights that I've won and I've actually knocked somebody out, I always end it there. But I just kept punching him. Even kicked him a few times. My dad try to pull me back but I was so pissed I just elbowed him in the nose. So he finally called the police.

There must of been a cop really close because within 3-5 minutes he had arrived and he ran into the house and tried to grab me but with the adrenaline going (and honestly not aware that he was a cop, he never said "Police" or anything) I took a swing at the cop. But that cop did some Chuck Norris shit and had me on the ground handcuffed in no time. After I was handcuffed, he brought me to the place that I have called home for 1 year and 6 months of my life, jail.

I figured I was going to be locked up for a while. They didn't even put me in a holding cell, they put me straight in population with other inmates. The next day, I was sitting in jail playing poker for chips with 2 Mexicans that didn't know a word of English and some dude got caught drug dealing. The guards called for me and they told me that I'm not staying there, I was going to a Mental Institution.

I spent the rest of the week there until today when they released me. I wasn't put with the people who were just off-the-wall crazy, I was in a Unit mainly with people detoxing from drugs. I've been in there shoes detoxing off of that stuff and I knew how bad they were feeling, but I did remind them that it gets better. They realized I was right after a few days.

I've never been a mental institution in my life. You only wear socks because they are afraid you'll strangle yourself with your shoelaces. You get told when you can use the phone. You get told when to go to bed. You get told when you have to go to "groups". You get told when to brush your teeth. It was sorta like jail honestly, the only difference was they doped everyone up.

I honestly met a lot of really good people in there though. It was awesome to see people make the step that I made and get off the hard drugs. And unless you've been through it, you do not understand how bad it is. I honestly think I helped a lot of people get through it. A few people were just withdrawing from dope so bad they were going to check themselves out (they weren't forced to come like me) but I stopped them from doing it. And just 15-20 minutes ago I got a call on my cell from someone that was in there detoxing who literally was getting hostile with me because I was telling him to not sign out of detox. I talked to him on the phone and he thanked me nonstop.

But if you really know me, you know I like to always try to test the boundaries and tend to get in trouble. Especially in like a mental facility or jail. And I have some funny stories that I'll share later, but I can promise you those nurses will never forget having me as a patient on their Unit. :)

I had to go to court today for the Assault. My uncle that I beat the hell up was there and he looked like he got his ass kicked my 10 people. He spoke in front of the Judge saying, "I am sorry for what I said to Josh, but I did not deserve to be attacked." I told him that I accepted his apology but if he said something like what he did again that I would do the exact same thing. Stupid thing to say in front of the Judge and basically led to my Uncle having a restraining order on me now. But I could of also went to jail. I've had many encounters with that Judge and the last time I talked to him he looked at me dead in the eye and said, "Josh, if I ever see you appear in front of me in my courtroom ever again, I will make sure you do time in jail."

But with my lawyer explaining the PTSD and even my doctor at the mental hospital talking a little to the Judge, he gave me 2 months of House Arrest. I get a ankle bracelet. I can't screw up and I won't.

But do I feel sorry for beating the hell out of my Uncle after he made a comment about what happened to me as a kid to insult me, I don't feel the least bit sorry. I know some people may call me crazy or violent because of that, but I'm not. But when you bring up something like that, which I have been struggling with my whole life, and using the situation to insult me, I'm going to go off. I don't get violent. I don't like to fight. I think it's childish. But when you get past a certain boundary, I will respond.

Anyways long blog post lol I'm going to enjoy being in the free world now. I can't promise anything, but I'm trying for a new video this weekend. I'm trying for one video a week, and I think I can do that.

Peace homies.

Dear Mom

2010-05-06T17:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

Although there were times where I hated you, I now realize how much I love you. I remember when we first moved to TN with my step dad and you said how we were going to start a new life. Things were perfect at first until your husband started drinking. He abused you. He abused me. He abused my brother. You were a strong person to live through what you have lived through.

I to this day have no idea when me and my brother were taken out of the home and placed into the custody of State of TN why you could find a "family friend" who could take custody of my brother. While I was forced to live in a group home being raped and molested night after night. I felt abandoned when I realized when I was a young teenager that you and may step dad fought back to custody of my brother and you left me in custody of my Uncle. Maybe it was because of the trouble I was getting into, but at the time, I honestly felt that you loved my brother more than you did me.

I remember being a teenager who ran away from my Uncle's house and living with friends and others selling drugs. I remember occasionally stopping by your house as a teenager and you would tell me how ashamed you were of me for running away from my Uncle and selling drugs.

I remember coming to the house when I was 17 on Christmas Eve and you would not let me into your house. I remember you telling me that I have embarrassed the family being known as a drug dealer and you don't want me anywhere near where you live. I also remember seeing my brother at the house that night with my step dad. It was the whole family. The whole family besides me.

I also remember when I was 18 and I was in the court room. I was brought out handcuffed and shackled. I hadn't talked to you in so long. I remember walking into that court room in front of the judge as he gave me a year sentence. I remember looking back and I could see you crying. I also remember sitting in jail for a year straight, I would call you, nobody would answer. I would write you, you would not reply. I was alone.

Now, I'm living with you. I love you Mom. I see why you did the things you did. I realize that you would not want any contact with me because you did not want me dealing drugs. You did not want me to get in trouble. I remember you pulling out all the letters you got from me while I was in jail. Telling me how much you would cry and pray for me every night.

I also remember 2 years ago telling you about how I felt abandoned by you as a kid. While my brother got to live with a "family friend" and slowly you got custody of him back, I got put into the system of State of TN. You explained to me you did everything you could do. I remember how hard you cried when I told you about the rape I went through in the group home. I remember you blaming yourself Mom. I remember you having to go to counseling because you felt responsible for the rape I had to go through.

But Mom, it was not your fault. You may of made some mistakes, but the only person who was at fault for that was the sick predator who did it to me. And you understand that now. And as I blamed myself, I understand it was also not my fault.

Mom, you've been through a lot. I put you through a lot. I've put shame on the family because of my actions as a teenager and adult. But I'm doing right now. I'm going to college. I'm going to make something out of myself and you are helping me Mom. I want you to be proud of me Mom and I can tell you are. Mom, we've both made mistakes, but we both have lived through them. We both have conquered them.

I love you mom.

Love,
Your Son

---------------

On a side not, this blog may not of turned out the best because I was in the Emergency Room earlier and still a little drowsy from the meds. I will be adding new posts from my past beginning from where I left off last time soon.

Thank you all for reading.

http://twitter.com/EmptyIsAwesome

My Past

2010-05-03T12:25:00.000-07:00

Some of you may know me as the crazy dude who screams at the camera on YouTube. Some of you just may know me through Twitter. Some of you may have just stumbled upon this blog. I have decided to share my past with others. Maybe some of you can relate. I'm going to be updating this every couple of days or so.

I was born in Mobile, Alabama. I never really knew my real dad. He left my mom shortly after I was born. I don't really remember much about Alabama besides the fact that there were a whole bunch of rednecks. My mom met my step dad in Alabama while he was in the Army. I think I was around 4 or 5 at the time they married. When my step dad left the Army, my family moved to Tennessee. Life seemed normal until I was about 7 when I noticed that my step dad was always drinking. I remember him coming home drunk and yelling at my mom and sometimes me.

When I was 9, the police were called to the house because my mom called 911. My step dad was in a drunk rage and all I can remember is him hitting my mom and I remember he slammed my head into the wall. The police arrested him and I thought my parents were going to get divorced, but after a couple of months and my dad completed "anger management", my parents lived together once again. Things were normal for about 6 months after that until my step dad started drinking again. He would get very abusive at times. It wasn't every night he would get drunk and be abusive.

When I was 11, my neighbor was outside and her yelling and she could see my dad in the backyard punching me over and over. I was getting into trouble at school all the time and always talking back to him and I just pissed him off to the point where he lost it that day. I remember the police came to the house and took me away. I remember living with my Aunt for a period of time while the courts decided what to do about the situation. My mom kept saying how my dad was getting help for his anger and drinking and how he was a changed man. But the Judge didn't believe it since he had a prior record of physically abusing me. So my mom and him lost custody of me. After a month, my Aunt had to move out of state for a job and she just couldn't afford having me and her other kids, so that's when I was put into a group home.

The group home consisted of pretty much me, a guy that was around the age of 16 or 17, and a girl that was I think around 15. I was just 11. And then there was a man and his wife who were in charge of the group home. Basically getting paid by the state to have custody of kids that had nowhere to go or whose parents lost custody of them. The first week was normal, I got along with everyone there. We had chores we had to do like normal and we had to go to school. But after the first week, I realized I was in hell.

The sick piece of shit man who was in charge of the group home would molest and rape me. I remember crying. I remember feeling abandoned. I remembered his threats "If you tell someone what we did, they'll put you juvie". It might seem stupid now, but when you are 11-12, you don't know what to believe. I remember going to my teacher in class and telling her what happened, I was literally in tears, and she said she would get me help. But she never did. I don't know if she informed the police or school or anything, but I never got help.

When I was 12, I finally ran away from the group home. I remember my Uncle had moved into the area a few months ago to set up his own law firm and I called him. He picked me up and I never told him what happened about the rape, I just told him I didn't want to go back. The Judge let my Uncle have custody of me. As for the scumbag rapist, he was recently convicted of molesting a boy. I somewhat feel guilty because I did not speak up what happened, but I was just to ashamed.

If any of you know anyone who has been molested or raped, get them HELP. Even if you have the slightest suspicion something might be happening to them, let somebody know.

I will post more on my blog later. I have some crazy memories of some stupid shit I have done as a teenager that is not depressing like this. Just remember, you might think your life sucks, but somebody is out there whose life sucks more.

I'll post more later.

http://www.twitter.com/EmptyIsAwesome